Cristiano Ronaldo statue: Five possible reasons why it's so rubbish

Why does the Madeira statue of Cristiano Ronaldo look so strange?

Many think the new statue of Ronaldo looks nothing like him

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Some people think it looks like Sloth from the Goonies. Others reckon it looks like footballer Paul Konchesky. And others still reckon it's the spit of the Head from Art Attack.

But one thing's for sure: it looks nothing like Cristiano Ronaldo.

We're talking, of course, about the bust which was purportedly designed in Ronaldo's image, unveiled in his homeland of Madeira. The sculpture will be housed in a brand-new airport, which has also been named after Ronaldo, and he even came back for the unveiling ceremony.

But when it emerged that the bust bore no resemblance to its supposed suspect, the gala celebration became rather embarrassing - as anyone who's seen Ronaldo's face during the ceremony can testify.

But why exactly does it looks so, well, pants? What can have gone wrong in the design or execution of the project?

Well we've conducted our own investigation (ok, we've jotted a few random ideas on paper) and we've come up with five possible explanations for the debacle:

The commissioning process was only open to people from Madeira

Ok, let's hypothesise and say the people behind this project wanted to keep things local, and celebrate Madeira's artistic talent. It's not the craziest idea in the world - after all this celebration is basically about Madeira, right?

The population of island is around 268,000, compare that to the UK's population of 64.1 million and you've got a good idea of the limited choice they would have in such a situation.

Granted, you're likely to find at least one semi-competent sculptor in a pool of 268,000 people, but maybe not...

The sculptor was jealous of the footballer's looks 

If you asked most people to name a good-looking footballer, many would opt for the Portuguese superstar. Ronaldo is regularly cited as one of possessing one of the most perfect faces (and bodies) on the planet. And boy does he know it.

Perhaps the sculptor was a local guy blessed with a less flattering countenance, who wanted to take the island's most famous son down a peg or two.

Although given the sculpture is now being laughed at by practically the entire world, if this was the plan, it's backfired somewhat.

They commissioned someone who isn’t a sculptor

Call it edgy, new and fun, but maybe this was an attempt to give someone a platform to become a sculptor. Or someone just rocked up and winged it for a laugh, passing themselves off as a sculptor to win a bet with their mates.

If someone managed to pull this off, well, fair play to them. 

The sculptor didn't actually know what Ronaldo looks like

Ok this one seems unlikely, given Ronaldo is one of the most famous people on the planet and the sculptor was specifically asked to portray him. But whenever Ronaldo's background is mentioned we're told that Madeira is a fairly close-knit community, largely cut off from the mainland. So you never know.

There's more than one Cristiano Ronaldo in Madeira

Maybe, just maybe, the sculptor knows another bloke called Ronaldo... a bloke who lives down his road perhaps, or a lad who drinks in his local boozer.

Again, it seems improbable. But in a world whose two most powerful people are a Russian guy who rides horses semi-naked and a yellow-haired American billionaire who jokes about groping women, frankly nothing would surprise us.