Just to recap, this is the man the Americans have elected

Introducing the new president of America...Donald Trump

Donald Trump

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

George Galloway said yesterday that, if Donald Trump was elected President of the United States, peels of laughter would be heard around the world.

George may have been a wee bit harsh here - plenty of people will be willing to give the billionaire Apprentice star a fair crack when he takes office in the White House. But we get where our presenter was coming from.

America, the country which put a man on the moon and played a key role in beating Hitler, which gave the world everything from the lightbulb to mass-produced motorcars, will soon be led by a man who once took part in a televised wrestling tournament and makes jokes about groping women. People can be forgiven for finding it hilarious, slightly tragic, or a mixture of the two.

This, then, is the man the American people have chosen to be their next leader. If you're of a pro-American disposition, perhaps it's best to look away now.

The bloke who jokes about periods on TV

“You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever." 

So said Trump of Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly. One of the least charming things ever said by a political leader (although Filipino president Rodrigo Duterte has certainly run him close of late).

The bloke who jokes about sexual assault on TV

“I just start kissing them. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.”

This would normally be pervy enough, but the Donald had to go and Trump himself by boasting of grabbing women "by the p****."

Of course Trump didn't realise the camera was rolling when he made these comments. But given the remarks about Megyn Kelly, perhaps it wouldn't have made any difference to him.

The bloke who makes sweeping, ignorant slurs about Mexicans

"They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

That's probably one of the kinder things Trump has said about the Mexican people. Suffice to say he's got his doubts about the value they bring to the United States. He's even said something about building a wall along the border, which you may or may not have heard about.

If we've learnt anything from Dog the Bounty Hunter, it's that Mexican-baiting is a popular pastime in the States. But Trump really does take it to a new level.

The bloke who fights in the WWE

One might have thought that participating in the steroid-riddled pantomime that is professional wrestling would be enough to disbar anyone from a future political career. But Trump, once again, has proved us all wrong.

Here's some footage of him brawling with WWE empresario/puppet-master Vince McMahon, in case you haven't seen it. By the way McMahon's wife Linda also stood for office as a US senator, but didn't get in. Maybe if she'd made more jokes about female menstruation she'd have got over the line.

The bloke who trolls Kim Kardashian

"She’s gotten a little bit large. I would say this, I don’t think you should dress like you weigh 120 pounds."

That's what Trump had to say about Kim Kardashian when she was pregnant. Given he looks like he's got some sclerotic form of rodent perched on top of his head, perhaps he should be a little more reticent when it comes to criticising the sartorial approach of others. But hey, he's the leader of the free world and he's got nuclear weapons, we ain't gonna argue.

The bloke who talks about dating his own daughter

“If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

Incest jokes are always the sign of a five-star guy, aren't they?!

The bloke who appeared in Home Alone

Yep, the big Don (as we imagine he calls himself and/or his members) once had a cameo in Home Alone, back when his celebrity star was completely eclipsed by that of Macaulay Culkin. But now Culkin's wallowing in anonymity having struggled with drugs, while Trump is the most powerful man in the world - who's laughing now hey?

Still we can't help but wonder what would have happened if Kevin McAllister had used some of those ball bearings and poisonous insects on Trump instead of the Wet Bandits. History might have been very different.

The bloke who boasts about his own wealth

"Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich."

I'm sure Melania would agree. Although instead of 'part' she'd probably say 'all'. And instead of 'beauty' she'd probably say 'tolerableness.'

The bloke who once did the football League Cup draw with Saint and Greavsie

It was a simpler, more innocent time. The Premier League had yet to be created, Leeds United were about to win the league and Donald Trump was still just a loveable retail mogul, about to get his big break as himself in Home Alone.

Saint and Greavsie where the superstar presenters of their day, their naff sweaters and dad jokes perfectly suited to the more austere pre-Sky era. For some reason they chose to do the draw for the quarter-finals of the league cup in New York's Trump Tower, and invited its avuncular proprietor to do the honours.

When Trump paired Leeds with Manchester United, the heavyweight clash of the era, Greavsie chuckled and said 'you don't know what you've done there.' Let's hope we're not saying that when some unfortunate third world country is obliterated by American bombs in the next few months.